At any time of the year, losing a spouse and/or a loved one can be a devastating experience, whether their passing was sudden or following a long illness. But many find that loss is felt even more keenly during the holidays. When you pull out the box of decorations or take part in that annual family tradition, your feelings of grief may come back – even if it’s been months or years since a loved one’s passing.

“You may feel numb, shocked, brokenhearted or anxious,” said Chaplain Joseph Kampert with Aultman Spiritual Care. “You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive or relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering. You may cry a lot, or you may not. How you grieve is unique to you.” Kampert tells people to give themselves permission to do what feels best during the holiday season.

“Your grief is your grief. If you do not feel like you can put up a Christmas tree and decorate, then don’t. It’s okay to take it slow and easy,” he said. “If you feel like putting up a few decorations, go ahead. You may want to consider changing things, keeping it all the same or simply doing nothing. The way you feel about it is not right or wrong.”

If you want to find ways to remember and honor the person who died, Kampert and the staff of Aultman Grief Services provided the following ideas:

• Light a memorial candle and ask everyone to share stories and memories of the person who passed.
• Write a holiday card to the person who died.
• Put your memories on strips of paper and make them into a paper chain.
• Hang a special decoration that belonged to the person, such as a wreath or stocking. Decorate or fill it with cards and pieces of paper with written memories.
• Find a charity, buy a gift the person would have liked and donate it to that organization.
• Wrap a box and leave an opening in the top for everyone to insert papers with written memories. Then, unwrap the box and share the memories.
• During the holiday meal, set a special memorial place at the table.
• Make a “memory corner.” Set aside a table where you can place photos, belongings, toys, cards and other kinds of mementos.
• Prepare and share one of the person’s favorite foods or meals.

No matter how you to choose to honor your loved one, Kampert advises those grieving to be in the driver’s seat when it comes to holiday events. 

“If you are invited to a party or a church service, drive yourself. That way, you are in control of what time you feel like leaving without making it awkward for anyone else,” he said. “Most of all, be patient with yourself, as you are forever changed. Give yourself the gift of being patient and kind to yourself.”

For more information and resources including support groups, please visit the Aultman Grief Services page.